I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I want you more than these girls want KFC
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
