somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
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