this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
