I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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