it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
