i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
All the doctor said was why
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
