So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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