Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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