My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
now i know why i became what i already was.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
