I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
