Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
