i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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