Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
