Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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