If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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