Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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