I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
