Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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