I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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