I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
