my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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