forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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