The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
