I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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