I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
