I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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