Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
