Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
