I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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