My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
