you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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