Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Ambien. No doubt about it.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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