12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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