I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
