6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
