We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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