Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
