I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
