You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
