I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
