Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
