just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
