stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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