How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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