So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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