Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
