1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Hey I don't know if you will get this but all I know is you are so beautiful to .ee and? I dare anyone to stop me me from caring for you ante so beautiful so I kid you not gorgeous iyoiu are so beautiful to me i dare som.eone too stioo you
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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