i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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