I seem to have left my pride at pride
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
