Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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