I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
