in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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