I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
