Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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