When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
