Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
